Secrets

I’m not the kind of person that’s good at keeping things in. I can keep other people’s secrets, but I can’t keep my own. It’s a habit I picked up after coming out about being raped and it’s annoying as fuck. It’s not even like I have any secrets of consequence but it bothers the hell out of me that I can’t just keep my shit to myself sometimes. Generally if I feel something I have to express it, at least to a minor degree, or I feel like I will burst. I’ve been trying to practice keeping a few things to myself this year and it’s been very uncomfortable. I’ve had so many thoughts, ideas, and feelings this past year that I feel like I’m bursting at the seams.

It just feels dishonest and wrong to hold back and keep things inside. Being open and honest about my life feels like a compulsion sometimes. It’s fine when it just involves me, but not always when others are involved. I can’t count how many times Karl has shaken his head at me for talking about what he considers private matters, such as our sex life or finances. But I can’t usually help myself. As a person, especially an artist, I am most interested in the human experience. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the public, and private. I’m especially interested in the bits people don’t talk about. I can’t stand the games people play when they’re trying to avoid telling the truth. Just say things. Just say what you truly think or feel. Stop wasting our precious time. I guess this is why I don’t like secrets since they are generally revealed with time. Keeping them just seems like a waste of energy.