<\/p>\n
I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn\u2019t fall back asleep, so I found myself taking adult autism assessments and reading about related topics. Now, I’m lying here crying for a whole bunch of reasons.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve never been a fan of labels, especially when they imply something is wrong with someone. I’ve done my best to dodge them most of my life. I\u2019ve always known I was different from most people and have often been told I\u2019m \u201cweird\u201d \u201ctoo much\u201dor \u201ctoo passionate,\u201d despite my conscious efforts to tone myself down. For years, I struggled with expressing my feelings, and articulating my thoughts in a way others could understand, alongside dealing with cognitive processing issues, sensory overload, and masking.<\/p>\n
When I was younger, I tried several times to describe the challenges I was experiencing, but I didn\u2019t know how to articulate them. It was often hard to distinguish them from PTSD, depression, and anxiety, which were a big part of my life back then. I never considered that I might be autistic, mostly because I didn\u2019t know much about it until a few years ago. That changed when I began connecting some dots after trying to articulate some of my challenges which led me to read about masking. It was a revelation. I ugly sobbed for hours because masking perfectly described something I had been trying to express for decades. Later, after experiencing particularly severe overstimulation, I researched this issue in autistic individuals and realized I checked every box.<\/p>\n
Despite scoring high on self-assessment tests, I planned to get a professional evaluation this past summer but changed my mind. Most of the time, I don\u2019t feel the need to prove anything to anyone. It frustrates me when people dismiss years of my lived experiences and research because I don\u2019t have a formal diagnosis from a professional who spent just 45 minutes with me and reviewed the same assessment test. However, I\u2019ve changed my mind again. I want to be able to talk about my experiences without having to defend them to people who don\u2019t trust other people to actually be intelligent or self-aware. I also want to better understand the things I experience, both good and bad, and make sense of certain aspects of my past.<\/p>\n
As I’ve gotten older, masking, overstimulation, and other classic autistic experiences have become harder to manage. I\u2019m exhausted from constantly having to explain or excuse myself. I love people, but being around them physically has become increasingly difficult. I don\u2019t know how to turn off the hyper-alert state I\u2019m always in, constantly reading people and situations. Even at home, I struggle to turn off this unconscious monitoring unless I\u2019m completely alone and uninterrupted for hours. Over the past two years, I\u2019ve noticed significant changes since I started consciously trying to stop masking, which is incredibly challenging, and since living and traveling mostly by myself. I knew Karl was my rock, but I didn\u2019t realize just how much I relied on him for support, and just how much we each compensate for each others weaknesses. I thank God and the universe for bringing us together but it\u2019s time we both learned how to function well on our own.<\/p>\n
Some changes I\u2019ve noticed recently include shifting my stimming habits from reading books and playing video games to dancing and making videos. I need even more alone time now, especially quiet, physical alone time to recharge and balance. I find it harder to mask my feelings, which I still prefer to do because I\u2019m very combustible after a lifetime of keeping everything inside, constantly being told I was \u201ctoo much\u201d or felt I wouldn\u2019t be accepted otherwise. My energy levels are harder to manage, and I often struggle to control my body, particularly my hands. Lately, I\u2019ve also found it hard to suppress vocalizations, although that might be unrelated. I\u2019ve noticed an increase in panic attacks and a heightened fight-or-flight response. When I try to mask or suppress my natural responses, it often feels like I\u2019m suffocating or being crushed. Needless to say, it\u2019s exhausting.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s been tiring trying to fit into an \u201cacceptable\u201d mold my whole life, but in some ways, trying to unmask is even more draining. I simultaneously feel like isolating myself and running away. Overall, I feel happier when I\u2019m alone or with people who support and understand me, but blending into \u201cnormal\u201d society has become harder and harder.<\/p>\n
I keep having reoccurring memories of a friend ssshing me, and of several other experiences with friends and family and they make me want to say \u201cF society\u201d, I\u2019ll just go be a hermit and do my thing on the internet where people are free to keep scrolling. I know my energy, curiosity, and passion are too much for most people. But it\u2019s their job to manage their energy, not mine. Perhaps I should come with a warning label but at this point I\u2019m so freaking tired of always having to make myself smaller for the comfort of others I\u2019d rather not engage at all.<\/p>\n
On a slightly related note, a friend recently posted about not understanding why some people express themselves physically in certain ways\u2014specifically with hair color and style. Another person made a snide comment about people seeking attention, and it pissed me off. The song \u201cYou\u2019re So Vain\u201d immediately started playing in my head because of that presumptuous and unkind attitude. While there are always exceptions, many people who dress or present differently, myself included, don\u2019t do it for attention. We do it for self-expression, for ourselves. After years of trying to blend in so I wouldn\u2019t be as noticeable, I\u2019ve finally decided that I care more about my own comfort and desires than about conforming to others\u2019 standards. I wear things that make me feel good, happy, that match my mood, or that have symbolic meaning for me, whether it\u2019s dressing down and happily looking a mess or dressing up like a pirate, a princess, or in an androgynous style. When people express discomfort or unhappiness about how others choose to express themselves, it often reveals their own insecurities. Sadly, most people seem oblivious to this telling sign.<\/p>\n
I wonder if the people intimidated by my energy and passion feel insecure about not having enough? \ud83e\udd14 <\/p>\n
Ultimately, I\u2019m on a journey of self-discovery, understanding that being true to myself is more important than fitting into any societal mold. I\u2019m tired of feeling like I\u2019m living on a zombie planet with only a few other bright likes amongst all the passionless, unintelligent drones who lack depth, empathy, and a base level of self awareness.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re reading this I imagine you\u2019re probably one of those bright lights. Keep shining and holding on. The answers are out there waiting to be discovered and there are more of us than we imagine. \u2764\ufe0f<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn\u2019t fall back asleep, so I found myself taking adult autism assessments and reading about related topics. Now, I’m lying here crying for a whole bunch of reasons. I\u2019ve never been a fan of labels, especially when they imply something is wrong with someone. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8928,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8927","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-journals"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/IMG_4836-scaled.jpeg?fit=2560%2C1920&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4XnUB-2jZ","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8927","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8927"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8927\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8929,"href":"https:\/\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8927\/revisions\/8929"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8928"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8927"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8927"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carolandkarl.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8927"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}