Stupid Hormones

I’m feeling all kinds of emotional today. My cycle started a few days ago. I got an instant case of baby fever. Karl’s been working crazy long hours so I feel super lonely, especially since I was just out of town for five days. I’m having some issues with a friend. And I’m just disappointed and frustrated with a lot of things right now. Oh, and the house is still a remodeling nightmare.

I’ve been going through my ‘pick myself up’ routine to try to cheer up, but kicking ass in League of Legends, and stuffing my face with chocolate cake hasn’t helped. I even tried just sleeping through it, but that didn’t help either. So here I am resorting to writing it out. At this point I’ll probably turn on some of my favorite melancholy music to try to speed up this funk. *goes to turn on Keane and Depeche Mode*

Midlife Crisis?

This past year has been a little difficult for me. I don’t know what happened or exactly when it started but I’ve been super emotional with both ups and downs. I’ve felt more passionate than I have in years which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I’ve also felt depressed and lost in thought more than usual. I’m doing better now but I spent at lot of this summer and fall trapped in my mind unable to get myself out of bed. Sometimes I wondered if I was going through an early midlife crisis because I seemed to be questioning and redefining several ideas and values I’d held for most of my life. All that time in bed caused me to put on a few more pounds which hasn’t made me feel any better.

I suppose I’m just at a point in my life where I’m redefining relationships, what they mean, and what I want to do with the rest of my life now that my major goals have been met. It probably sounds ridiculous but at 33 I feel like I have basically accomplished all the essentials I dreamed of as a child. The thoughts and feelings I had as a child living in poverty still haunt me and I can’t help but be amazed at how much better life has turned out than I ever expected. It’s hard to desire more when I feel like I have already come so far.

As a kid, all I ever really wanted was to go to college and to have a career. For so long I felt like that was the key I needed to unlock happiness. I can still remember trembling as I read out load a short story about a girl with a difficult upbringing that killed herself when she dreams of attending college were crushed. I believe I was in the 9th grade. The last word was ‘Bang!.’ My teacher was not happy with me. LOL. But it was probably one of the first really personal things I’d written to express myself and I don’t regret it despite the trouble I got into for it.

I have so much now: a home, an exceptional and selfless husband, a good education, a loving family, a sense of stability and security. I really can’t think of anything important that I’m missing. Well, aside from kids, which Karl and I are still debating. My last big goal was to go to grad school which I am currently doing, and I do hope to eventually teach though it may be awhile before I am able since we are landlocked for Karl’s job for the time being. Yet I still find myself frequently fighting the desire to run away. I don’t know where I want to go and I would prefer for Karl to be with me, but so often I just get the urge to jump in the car or hop in a plane and leave. Travel broadens the mind and I just want to explore the world and have my mind broadened. Living in a small town and thinking big things isn’t very satisfying. It’s so hard to find people to connect with. People that think about things other than work and family. People that actually seem to care about more than just existing.