Finding New Soil: Embracing Change and Self-Discovery

I’m tired. I want to plant my feet in one place and stay rooted long enough to catch up on all my essentials and rest. Karl has been living in Ohio for almost a year and a half, and most of my belongings are there too. I had hoped to be settled there by February this year, but life keeps throwing curveballs. If I tally up all the time I’ve spent in Ohio, it might add up to four months. It’s frustrating how long and hard it is to cut ties and wrap up loose ends when transitioning from one place to another. The uncertainty of not knowing where Karl and I will be when his assignment ends in 2026 adds to the challenge. We love our home in Alabama—it’s the nicest we’ve ever lived in, with spacious rooms, a lovely neighborhood, and my beloved bamboo grove. The cost of living and geographic location are also a huge plus. However, we’re both feeling a bit weary of the local community, or lack thereof. All of our close friends moved away or are now so busy with work and life that we have had an almost nonexistent social life in Alabama since I finished grad school and all my grad school friends moved away. 

Wrapping up loose ends, including preparing our Alabama house for AirBnB, has been a prolonged process, but the finish line is finally in sight. Karl is currently working in Alabama, so I’m eager to return there after unexpectedly driving to Ohio for an emergency dental consultation—long story. This detour allowed me to bring a load of belongings back with me, and I’ve been unpacking, cleaning, tending to the yard, and sorting through what I need to bring back to Alabama for the next two months, all while juggling work obligations and trying to recover from being ill and overwhelmed.

Since returning from Japan a few weeks ago, I’ve been feeling sick and fatigued. I haven’t had the chance to sit down and organize my photos by date, much less go through them, which is driving me crazy. I hate traveling and not having time for reflection and journaling afterward. It feels like I’ve been working nonstop, yet I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished nearly enough. I’ve managed to watch a few movies for the first time in ages and find a little time for dancing, but not nearly as much as I’d like. I’m just too tired. The stress of trying to get everything done so I can head back to Alabama isn’t helping my mental state.

I’ve started several new creative projects that I’m eager to dive into, but work obligations come first. If I didn’t spend so much time on the road and if my software would stop crashing, I’d be able to get so much more done.

For the past two years, I’ve been on the road almost nonstop. While it’s been fun, even when exhausting, I’m now in dire need of rest. My journaling process for reflection, which also helps ground me, has fallen by the wayside for most of this time. It’s just one more thing that’s driving me nuts.

Geographic Trauma & Struggles

This blog post is my way of processing geographic trauma. When I’m in a creative flurry, I try to spread my content across different platforms to avoid overwhelming any one space, while still giving myself an outlet. Lately, I’ve been feeling very angry, especially in the last few months. I’m just so sick of the angst and intolerance in the air.

I have a deep love for Alabama, especially its land, to which I feel a strong connection. Visiting my childhood home this past year, I could clearly hear the spirits of the land speaking to me, helping me make sense of many seemingly supernatural experiences I had as a child. This place holds a special place in my heart, and I don’t want to leave. But I need a change. The current political and religious climate, coupled with generational and geographic trauma issues, is draining my strength and joy. I’ve spent almost two decades recovering from trauma and battling severe depression. In the past four years, I’ve made significant breakthroughs following a profound near-death experience and spiritual awakening, which helped me realize and express many things. However, the journey hasn’t been easy. I’ve faced considerable family drama and still have several relatives I barely speak to. Internally, I’ve grappled with shedding the masks I’ve worn and breaking free from societal constructs that don’t align with my true self. Through it all, I’ve worked hard to keep my marriage with Karl from falling apart while also striving to protect the joy I’ve finally reclaimed in my life.

Recently, I was talking to a friend about how I feel the South is cursed. In an ideal situation, I think the best course of action would be to quarantine the land for a while (at least a few decades if not 100-200 years) to give the air time to clear. I keep visualizing big trucks driving around with giant bundles of sage to smudge the air and cleanse the energy. The air is so thick with bitterness and anger that it’s hard to bloom. I wonder if it’s different for people who haven’t been here all their lives, but I would guess that once they’ve been in the South long enough, they take on its burdens and also suffer.

It finally hit me hard this year why moving away is so important during a transformative period. It’s challenging to relax and allow yourself to evolve naturally when the environment around you pressures you to remain the same. I remind myself that this move won’t be forever—after all, I love Alabama and am bonded to my family’s land—but I definitely feel a strong need to step away and cut most ties long enough to fully come into my own. The South holds too many limiting beliefs and too much anger. I know the people and atmosphere too intimately to ignore the constant pressure to conform, driven by their fear of the unfamiliar. It saddens me that I’ve felt like the “other” my whole life, that I learned to keep my mouth shut and quietly observe to survive. Honesty and transparency are integral parts of my being, so I feel guilty for not being more open about who I am, even though I know I was just trying to survive.

Earlier this year, I realized that I can’t completely relax when others are around—even Karl. A lifetime of trauma and stress has left me in a constant state of emotional monitoring when others are near. I’m like a super empath, unable to block out other people’s thoughts and feelings. Thank God for the internet! It allows me to be social while keeping a distance, so I don’t feel and hear others as intensely. Yet, for the first time in my life, I found myself recently wishing I could disconnect from it, at least for a while.

Honestly, I prefer talking to strangers over most of the people I know these days. My mind isn’t weighed down trying to remember what version of me they’re familiar with and whether they’ll accept me for who I am. It’s easier for new people to see and accept the truer version of myself that I’ve been working hard to unearth over the last few years. It also doesn’t hurt to lose relationships that haven’t been built yet.

Several years ago, God told me I needed to be repotted into more fertile soil in order to grow and blossom. Since then, I’ve received countless similar messages. At first, I didn’t like these messages, but now I understand and am eager to have more room to come into my own, even if it means leaving behind much of what I love. Recently, I’ve been telling myself that this is my own hero’s journey. In most stories, the hero must leave home or the familiar to embark on a quest, often returning after succeeding or learning something valuable. 

As I navigate this period of my life, I do feel like I’m on my own hero’s quest. I don’t know exactly where it will lead, but I sense there’s something out there calling to me, and I know that pursuing it is in the best interest of myself and my community. I firmly believe in leading by example and being the change you wish to see. I hope that others will see me daring to be different and breaking free from the mental prisons society has placed on many of us, and I hope I inspire them to do the same in their own lives. I used to think this was an unrealistic dream but in just the last year I’ve received at least a dozen messages from people who see what I am doing and have been inspired by it.

I learned a long time ago that change, while daunting, is essential for growth but only recently realized that it’s okay to prioritize my well-being and seek out places and people that resonate with my authentic self. This journey isn’t about escaping the past; it’s about learning from the past and being grateful for all the lessons it taught me that have helped me become more conscious of my need to live in a world where I can fully be who I am, free from the constraints of old expectations and societal pressures. As I continue to unearth my true self, I hold onto the hope that this path will lead me to a place of peace, fulfillment, and adventure. A place where I can feel safe and fully express my love for life and all its complexities.

Here’s to the courage to change, the strength to heal, and the wisdom to know when to move forward. Despite the current climate I see many people waking up to their authentic selves and to what real love looks like. I am thankful to be one of them, and I am grateful to God for giving me the strength to come out of the closet and to finally share my truths.

Love & Joy💖☀️

Carol