Exploring My Identity: Self-Understanding and Autism

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall back asleep, so I found myself taking adult autism assessments and reading about related topics. Now, I’m lying here crying for a whole bunch of reasons.

I’ve never been a fan of labels, especially when they imply something is wrong with someone. I’ve done my best to dodge them most of my life. I’ve always known I was different from most people and have often been told I’m “weird” “too much”or  “too passionate,” despite my conscious efforts to tone myself down. For years, I struggled with expressing my feelings, and articulating my thoughts in a way others could understand, alongside dealing with cognitive processing issues, sensory overload, and masking.

When I was younger, I tried several times to describe the challenges I was experiencing, but I didn’t know how to articulate them. It was often hard to distinguish them from PTSD, depression, and anxiety, which were a big part of my life back then. I never considered that I might be autistic, mostly because I didn’t know much about it until a few years ago. That changed when I began connecting some dots after trying to articulate some of my challenges which  led me to read about masking. It was a revelation. I ugly sobbed for hours because masking perfectly described something I had been trying to express for decades. Later, after experiencing particularly severe overstimulation, I researched this issue in autistic individuals and realized I checked every box.

Despite scoring high on self-assessment tests, I planned to get a professional evaluation this past summer but changed my mind. Most of the time, I don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone. It frustrates me when people dismiss years of my lived experiences and research because I don’t have a formal diagnosis from a professional who spent just 45 minutes with me and reviewed the same assessment test. However, I’ve changed my mind again. I want to be able to talk about my experiences without having to defend them to people who don’t trust other people to actually be intelligent or self-aware. I also want to better understand the things I experience, both good and bad, and make sense of certain aspects of my past.

As I’ve gotten older, masking, overstimulation, and other classic autistic experiences have become harder to manage. I’m exhausted from constantly having to explain or excuse myself. I love people, but being around them physically has become increasingly difficult. I don’t know how to turn off the hyper-alert state I’m always in, constantly reading people and situations. Even at home, I struggle to turn off this unconscious monitoring unless I’m completely alone and uninterrupted for hours. Over the past two years, I’ve noticed significant changes since I started consciously trying to stop masking, which is incredibly challenging, and since living and traveling mostly by myself. I knew Karl was my rock, but I didn’t realize just how much I relied on him for support, and just how much we each compensate for each others weaknesses. I thank God and the universe for bringing us together but it’s time we both learned how to function well on our own.

Some changes I’ve noticed recently include shifting my stimming habits from reading books and playing video games to dancing and making videos. I need even more alone time now, especially quiet, physical alone time to recharge and balance. I find it harder to mask my feelings, which I still prefer to do because I’m very combustible after a lifetime of keeping everything inside, constantly being told I was “too much” or felt I wouldn’t be accepted otherwise. My energy levels are harder to manage, and I often struggle to control my body, particularly my hands. Lately, I’ve also found it hard to suppress vocalizations, although that might be unrelated. I’ve noticed an increase in panic attacks and a heightened fight-or-flight response. When I try to mask or suppress my natural responses, it often feels like I’m suffocating or being crushed. Needless to say, it’s exhausting.

It’s been tiring trying to fit into an “acceptable” mold my whole life, but in some ways, trying to unmask is even more draining. I simultaneously feel like isolating myself and running away. Overall, I feel happier when I’m alone or with people who support and understand me, but blending into “normal” society has become harder and harder.

I keep having reoccurring memories of a friend ssshing me, and of several other experiences with friends and family and they make me want to say “F society”, I’ll just go be a hermit and do my thing on the internet where people are free to keep scrolling. I know my energy, curiosity, and passion are too much for most people. But it’s their job to manage their energy, not mine. Perhaps I should come with a warning label but at this point I’m so freaking tired of always having to make myself smaller for the comfort of others I’d rather not engage at all.

On a slightly related note, a friend recently posted about not understanding why some people express themselves physically in certain ways—specifically with hair color and style. Another person made a snide comment about people seeking attention, and it pissed me off. The song “You’re So Vain” immediately started playing in my head because of that presumptuous and unkind attitude. While there are always exceptions, many people who dress or present differently, myself included, don’t do it for attention. We do it for self-expression, for ourselves. After years of trying to blend in so I wouldn’t be as noticeable, I’ve finally decided that I care more about my own comfort and desires than about conforming to others’ standards. I wear things that make me feel good, happy, that match my mood, or that have symbolic meaning for me, whether it’s dressing down and happily looking a mess or dressing up like a pirate, a princess, or in an androgynous style. When people express discomfort or unhappiness about how others choose to express themselves, it often reveals their own insecurities. Sadly, most people seem oblivious to this telling sign.

I wonder if the people intimidated by my energy and passion feel insecure about not having enough? 🤔 

Ultimately, I’m on a journey of self-discovery, understanding that being true to myself is more important than fitting into any societal mold. I’m tired of feeling like I’m living on a zombie planet with only a few other bright likes amongst all the passionless, unintelligent drones who lack depth, empathy, and a base level of self awareness.

If you’re reading this I imagine you’re probably one of those bright lights. Keep shining and holding on. The answers are out there waiting to be discovered and there are more of us than we imagine. ❤️